Fault Line

"Will you please stop apologizing?" says the Mister.

I think about that for a minute, and then I say, "I'm sorry" - clearly missing his point.

It is my nature to stay permanently apologetic; I don't really know why. God knows I've done a lot that I've been sorry for over the years, but for the most part I've made amends as best I can and moved on. Yet I find myself saying that I am sorry, usually several times a day.

Likewise, I am extraordinarily adept at making almost anything be my fault.

Kids in trouble at school? I am a terrible mother.
Dog getting fat? I feed her too much.
Traffic heavy? I left home too late.
Bird poop on the mailbox? I should get rid of the bird bath.

I'm pretty sure that my status as a "working mother" is the source of at least some of my guilt, but all mothers I know are "working mothers" whether they have a job outside the home or not. And those who've known me for any length of time prior to my maternal status will attest to the fact that I've been guilty all my life.

Wallowing in guilt, real or imagined, has got to be one of the most useless wastes of energy and gray matter there is, yet I find myself there frequently - not even knowing how I got there.

Hilariously enough, it makes me tired to feel guilty all the time, and then I am sorry for being tired!

This wasn't one of my better blog entries. I'm sorry. :-)