Giving Thanks.

For the last few days, I've been attempting to capture the depth of my gratitude in a handful of late November Facebook posts.  I've watched all month as many of my friends post daily reflections of those people and things for which they are most grateful. 

The sweet sincerity of love for spouses, children, friends...
The gratitude for material comfort, warm/dry shelter, an abundance of clothing...
The appreciation for our country as well as our communities...

...these posts make me smile with the assurance that I am firmly planted in a garden full of God's most beautiful children as my friends.

For the first 30+ years of my life, though, I couldn't see that.  I generally parked my heart in a dark muddy place, where glimmers of God's light would filter through from time to time, but I often sat in grumpy loathing of you, Him, and most of all myself.  Things weren't fair, you see.  If things were fair (according to my definition at the time), I would've been thinner, funnier, prettier, richer, smarter...just plain BETTER.  I would have more stuff and less trouble, and then I would finally be happy. 

Chasing "better" is exhausting and frankly foolish.  Do I mean we shouldn't pursue our best selves?  Heavens no...but the pursuit should not outrank the sufficience of today, of living in the present and seeing all the joy therein.

Simple examples -

-- I've learned how to meditate over the past several years, and the foundation of entering a meditative state is breathing - slowly, deeply and with concentration on each breath.  The comfort of taking a good deep breath is among my simple pleasures.

-- I think about the feeling of being sick at my stomach, awash in nausea and trying desperately to hold still.  The impatient plea to feel better yet the sweaty misery of waiting to be sick...now I think about that moment of relief where I realize it has subsided, that the storm in my gut is over and I can rest.

-- I remember sitting in a cold, lonely dark house - dark and cold because of my own irresponsibility in setting priorities, foregoing the light bill in exchange for happy hour.  Lonely by subconscious design.  This morning, I am listening to little girl giggles and Spongebob in the next room, with the scent of turkey roasting in the oven and the brilliant cool sunshine splashing on my kitchen floor - I am wearing a robe that feels like a hug and wondering what time I should get the boys up for a long day of nothing much other than food and football.

-- I think about being angry and resentful and wishing everyone would adequately apologize for making my life awful.  If (blank) would just (blank), then I would be happy.  If I could just have (blank), then everything would be ok.  I remember coming to the understanding that I am the problem, not you...and that He has the answer, not me.  Oh what a delight to find Him and come to understand how very very much He loves me!

And so it is that I give thanks.  Thanks to the family and friends who have loved me each day of this abundant life - and profound thanks to the one who literally loved me enough to die for me, to take all my selfish nastiness to the cross and make me clean and new.

In 2 Corinthians 12, the Lord tells Paul that "my grace is sufficient for you".  How very thankful I am today for His grace - and that all I have to do is give myself to Him and get out of His way.