May I Help You?

I have been pondering this topic for a while now, even before Dave's recent health crises.  The thing I want to talk about stretches back to when my mother died in 2007.

Let me begin with gratitude.  The fact that we have dozens of friends and family who love us is a miracle in itself.  The Mister and I have been unloveable on a number of occasions (but then again, who hasn't...), yet when the rubber meets the road, when life gets sloppy and painful, we are covered in love and prayer from all fronts.

Just as when my mom passed away, I've recently received a humbling number of offers of assistance which usually sound something like this: 

"How can I help you?"

"What do you need?"

"Tell me what I can do for you".

"No matter what, I am here for you and will do whatever I can to help out".

Beautiful, bountiful, generous and sincere extensions - I know I have made every single one of these comments myself.  When I say them, I mean it with all my heart - when a friend is suffering from pain or grief or loss, I really would do nearly anything they asked me to do.  All they have to do is ask.  Just ask me, and I'm there.

But you'll have to ask me.  If you don't tell me what you need, then I am going to assume that a) you don't need/want my help, or b) you are ok.  The proverbial ball is in your court.

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In recent days, when people have said things like, "just let me know what you need", I have responded with blank stares, confusion and either speechlessness or garbled stammering.  The best I could come up with was a half-hearted, "I sure will - thanks for offering".

You see, I have no idea what I need.

I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other...I know that much.  I need to pray and stay strong in my faith...this is unequivocally the best thing I can do in ANY situation.

But what do I need that others can help with?  I feel awkward when someone asks me how they can help me.  What if I ask for something that they really don't want to do, or maybe they really can't do it?  What if they're not all that sincere in their offer and then I decide to take them up on it?  What if I ask for help with something that I really ought to be able to do for myself?

For people like me who spend a ridiculous amount of time between their own ears, it's very difficult to ask for help.

While I am profoundly grateful for every single offer of assistance I've received during the Mister's ordeal, I must confess weepy appreciation for those people who approached me with specifics.

"We are bringing you meals for the next two weeks.  Do you have any diet restrictions?"

"OK if I take the kids to my house today?"

"My husband would like to mow your lawn next week."

"Can we feed the dog for you?"

"I would like to come sit with you at the hospital for a while."

By proposing something specific, you've eliminated 99% of my mental gymnastics.  You've told me what you are willing to do, and all that's expected of me is to accept your offer or graciously decline.

I know beyond doubt that each person offering help over these past weeks

would have done absolutely anything I asked them to do -

that's just who they are. 

It's my own mental state that kept me from asking.

Next time I'm given the opportunity to offer support to someone, I'm going to be specific by offering something I know I would be pleased and available to do.  I don't want them to have to think about anything more than a yes-or-no answer.