Seems like I have an adjective labeling everything about every thing. Is it a good day or a bad day? Did I enjoy a deep sleep or did I have a rough night? Is that person a decent human being or a raving jackass? Is my kid naughty or well-behaved? Is my job fulfilling or draining?
Somewhere in my psyche, apparently just on the periphery of my consciousness is a judgment filter. Everything - and I do mean everybody and everything - passes through it, myself included. Things and people come out on the other side of the filter with at least an adjective and sometimes a more tenacious and persistent label. If I don't have a label for it, then I can't categorize it and that is a problem for me.
I have a massive mental file room full of cabinets where things and people are filed. My "wonderful" family, my "dear" friends, that "terrible" news, her "beautiful" baby, my "great" job, that "fabulous" sermon.
One set of drawers right is devoted entirely to me. The file labels in these drawers are disproportionately negative - while there are a few locations for things like "kind", "funny" and "grateful", most are not positive assessments. Many are things that are just plain cruel.
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Recently I've been discussing the concept of "mindfulness" with some friends at work. Mindfulness is a component of meaningful meditation, and it calls for a full awareness of the present without judgment. I am good with it except for that last part - how can I be fully aware of the present without forming an associated opinion of it?
WHAT DO I DO WITH SOMETHING IF I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT??
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The last six months of my professional career have been exceptionally, extraordinarily difficult - while that's an adjective, it's also a fact. I've been pushed so far out of my comfort zone that sometimes I don't even know where it is anymore.
So when my boss' boss came here yesterday to address our team, and he used words like "courageous" "strong" and "inspiring" to describe me, I had no clue what to do with that. I looked at the ceiling, at my feet, at an unoccupied chair. My face got hot and my stomach started hurting and a part of me wanted to leave so I wouldn't have to hear anymore. None of those words seem to fit me. Why can I not just say thank you and leave it at that?
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Recently I've been discussing the concept of "mindfulness" with some friends at work. Mindfulness is a component of meaningful meditation, and it calls for a full awareness of the present without judgment. I am good with it except for that last part - how can I be fully aware of the present without forming an associated opinion of it?
WHAT DO I DO WITH SOMETHING IF I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT??
**********
The last six months of my professional career have been exceptionally, extraordinarily difficult - while that's an adjective, it's also a fact. I've been pushed so far out of my comfort zone that sometimes I don't even know where it is anymore.
So when my boss' boss came here yesterday to address our team, and he used words like "courageous" "strong" and "inspiring" to describe me, I had no clue what to do with that. I looked at the ceiling, at my feet, at an unoccupied chair. My face got hot and my stomach started hurting and a part of me wanted to leave so I wouldn't have to hear anymore. None of those words seem to fit me. Why can I not just say thank you and leave it at that?
I had no idea where to put this stuff at first because I don't have any of those labels in my own personal file drawers.
But then it occurred to me - it's all in the Faith cabinet. It's God's unfailing strength, compassion and inspiration that gives me whatever courage I have and keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. Of myself, I am nothing. Only through Him am I made strong and courageous. If people see and notice those things about me, then may I be a living witness to where I get them.
I like those labels this morning. I know where to find those files after all.
1 comment:
What a wise writing. You have wisdom beyond your years, my dear.
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