Toolkit

I joined a new Sunday School class this fall.  I'm taking a sabbatical from teaching a class myself, mostly because it is time for me to be a student again... but also because these days I am so empty by the time Sunday rolls around, there's not much left to give to anybody else.  (cue tiny violins)


We are doing a Kyle Idleman series called "AHA - Awakening, Honesty, and Action".  And it is seriously pissing me off.


I'm good with Awakening... I stay awake to my defects of character and behavior pretty much 24/7.  I even see stuff in this category that may not actually be there, or at least isn't as dire and degenerate as I see it.  But I am brutally aware of those things that are real.


I'm a tad better at Honesty now than in years past... I have found out the hard way on multiple occasions that honesty with others as well as myself can circumvent a whole lot of heartache.  (What can I say, I'm a slow learner.)  Honesty is like ripping off a bandaid that was covering a self-inflicted wound;  sometimes it hurts like a mother for a split second, but then it's over.  If there's still a bit of healing to be had, then keeping it aired out is probably the best remedy anyway.


Action.  Here's the next logical step to awakening and honesty - and it is my greatest stumbling block.  What do I DO with these things that I've realized and admitted?  If I know what they are, and I am honest about them, then what happens next?


I have a toolkit.  It has a divider in the middle and is filled with all manner of tools and tinkering implements with which I can take action. 


On one side, my favorites are the hammer and the wrench... perhaps I can bash the living hell out of myself or wrench my heart so tightly that I can't feel it anymore.  There's a giant bag of Reese's miniatures and a twelve pack of diet Cokes - the chemical combination of these two comestibles has a wonderful albeit temporary numbing effect.  Over in the corner, under a pile of good intentions, there is still an unopened airplane bottle of vodka.  Just in case I might want it tomorrow.


On the other side is a well-worn Bible, filled with various colors of highlights and underlining.  There are parts that I've memorized and still lots to be learned.  There's a journal into which I can puke out vitriol and plant flowers instead.  There are photos of my husband and children, photos of glorious simple joys, and a contacts list chocked full of phone numbers and email addresses for people I love and who curiously also love me.  There are beautiful projects that will help someone else.


I think I'm annoyed by this study series because it is making me take a hard look at my toolkit and decide which tools I want to use to take action on a daily basis. 


Wonder which set I will choose today?