Control Freak

The sun started shining in Iowa yesterday.


At first I was confused by the bright round orb, blinding me through the filth of my salt-splattered windshield.  The wind was still 40 mph and colder than a witch's you-know-what (and if you don't know what, I'll tell ya another time), yet here was the presence of spring, all full of herself and ready to strip off the winter grays.


The trees are still nekkid this morning, and as I know firsthand from 52 winters in the south, signs of an early spring in mid-February are Mother Nature's way of reminding us who's the boss around here.  (pssst... it's not us.)  But what a blessing to see the sunshine, to see the dirty 6-ft snow piles left behind by the plows melt away and to see a weekend in front of me fat with the promise of many hours outdoors.


Just as I have less-than-zero control over the weather, or the stock market, or the apocalypse or what's on sale at Hy-Vee, today I'm reminded and somehow comforted that I am not in control.  (P.S. - Publix and Kroger, you guys need to meet with HyVee execs and copy their business model.  Just sayin'.)


But please understand - some days, the reality of my subordination to the Creator of the universe pisses me off to extreme.  He is TOTALLY doing it wrong, and apparently He has misplaced my script because this right here is one effed-up mess.  This is NOT what I signed up for.


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Let's look at that a little further, shall we?  What - precisely - do I think I signed up for?


Well, when I was a teenager, I thought I would live next door to my best friend on Cherokee Boulevard in Knoxville, TN, and we would be married to completely smitten, faithful, handsome and devoted WASPish (likely Episcopalian)  lawyers/ doctors/ governors/ etc. with their own trust funds and awestruck mothers-in-law, and we would have three children each, whose birthdays would be within six months of each other, and we would be leaders of the Junior League and the Dogwood Arts Council and the Library Guild.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!   Ummm.  No.


Thankfully, the Creator helped me see that my plan had a few holes in it and instead today we are both reasonably sane and happy mothers in different time zones with reasonably happy households and an awareness of just how goofy we used to be.  Also thankfully, we are still VERY good and lifelong friends.


The catalogue of events from the last 52 years which were egregiously unlike my script is lengthy and often laughable.  In other words... WTF WAS I THINKING??!?!??!


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So here I am... a control freak with no control.  If I've learned anything at all in my episodic maturation, it's that I don't have control over jack other than tonight's menu and my choice in mascara.  Ok, well maybe a few other things here and there, but they are of equal insignificance.  I have no more control over what happens tomorrow or next week or next year than I do of the weather.


Did I mention that this pisses me off?


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Surrender is a word that ekes its way into my thought process these days.  Do I fight and attempt to control my circumstances, or do I surrender them to a higher power?  After all, surrender is for wussies ... it's what people do when they realize they can't overpower a combatant or control the outcome of a battle.


Who am I fighting?  Who is my opponent?  Is it karma or nature or God or what?  It's not me... after all, I am the smartest (and most modest) person I know, with my own best interests at heart as well as those of my fellow man, as long as their best interests will serve mine.


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The sun is out in Iowa and (surprise, surprise) I had nothing to do with that.  I am grateful and in awe of it.  Maybe it doesn't suck here after all.  Maybe we are supposed to be here for reasons other than my career.  Maybe not.  Who knows?


Now I am faced with some choices about career and time zones and annual average climates.  To realize that we actually have choices is in and of itself a profound blessing. Of which I had no control.  :-)


But what to choose???  What do I do with the choices in front of me?  Do I sit still and wait for a supernatural set of instructions to appear on the coffee table in the living room?  Do I choose a path and by God go hell-bent and full steam in that direction and pray that it goes the way I wrote it?  What if what's good for me is different than what's good for my husband and/or kids?  WTF do I do??? (insert hand-wringing here)


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I surrender.  Again (dammit).  And again and again and even daily if I have to.  And again, maybe again, even this afternoon.


My Creator, my compass, the force behind all that makes my life worthy... to Him I surrender.  That may mean Pennsylvania or Iowa or Kentucky or Tennessee or Oklahoma or Alaska or who even knows???  He does, that's who.  Lord knows it's not me...


I surrender.


And man, that is one seriously beautiful early spring Saturday He's put together out there.  It wasn't even in my script or anything.

Adjectives

Adjectives rule my every waking moment. 

Seems like I have an adjective labeling everything about every thing.  Is it a good day or a bad day?  Did I enjoy a deep sleep or did I have a rough night?  Is that person a decent human being or a raving jackass?  Is my kid naughty or well-behaved?  Is my job fulfilling or draining?

Somewhere in my psyche, apparently just on the periphery of my consciousness is a judgment filter.  Everything - and I do mean everybody and everything - passes through it, myself included.  Things and people come out on the other side of the filter with at least an adjective and sometimes a more tenacious and persistent label.  If I don't have a label for it, then I can't categorize it and that is a problem for me.

I have a massive mental file room full of cabinets where things and people are filed.  My "wonderful" family, my "dear" friends, that "terrible" news, her "beautiful" baby, my "great" job, that "fabulous" sermon.  

One set of drawers right is devoted entirely to me.  The file labels in these drawers are disproportionately negative - while there are a few locations for things like "kind", "funny" and "grateful", most are not positive assessments.  Many are things that are just plain cruel.

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Recently I've  been discussing the concept of "mindfulness" with some friends at work. Mindfulness is a component of meaningful meditation, and it calls for a full awareness of the present without judgment.  I am good with it except for that last part - how can I be fully aware of the present without forming an associated opinion of it? 

WHAT DO I DO WITH SOMETHING IF I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT??

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The last six months of my professional career have been exceptionally, extraordinarily difficult - while that's an adjective, it's also a fact.  I've been pushed so far out of my comfort zone that sometimes I don't even know where it is anymore.

So when my boss' boss came here yesterday to address our team, and he used words like "courageous" "strong" and "inspiring" to describe me, I had no clue what to do with that.  I looked at the ceiling, at my feet, at an unoccupied chair.  My face got hot and my stomach started hurting and a part of me wanted to leave so I wouldn't have to hear anymore.   None of those words seem to fit me.  Why can I not just say thank you and leave it at that?

I had no idea where to put this stuff at first because I don't have any of those labels in my own personal file drawers.  

But then it occurred to me - it's all in the Faith cabinet. It's God's unfailing strength, compassion and inspiration that gives me whatever courage I have and keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.  Of myself, I am nothing.  Only through Him am I made strong and courageous.  If people see and notice those things about me, then may I be a living witness to where I get them. 

I like those labels this morning.  I know where to find those files after all.